Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
