somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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