Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
