Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
