I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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