i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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