Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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