If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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