i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
