Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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