When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
