Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
