It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
