A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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