i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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