I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
