Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
