New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
