That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
