put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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