There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
