Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
