I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
