Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
