We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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