I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
