The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
