hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
