the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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