In America we eat man semen.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
