Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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