He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
