totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
