only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
