i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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