Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
