a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
