Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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