I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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