either way he was missing a nipple.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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