i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
