Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
