Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
