We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize