My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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