Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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