So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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