i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
