Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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