I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
