Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
