Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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