I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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